nothing matters

sometimes words are worthless.

and at that very moment iam not

sure if if i do really have something to say..

indeed have plenty of things..but

well think i had a nice time those few

weeks and enjoying myself with no no one around

well today ive met a friend whom i saw after a decade..
she was different

she is now Mrs.......
well...i actually cant feel that atmosphere of marriage..

whats the use of marriage..

well i do know the importance and everything that comes along but....

but its just that lately i cant figure myself being married,,,,

just feel uncomfortable about it and had an awefull atmosphere about it

to the things i cant see....

i wish i was free. i felt being free.

and being free is never enough..

am tired

tired of thinking

and messing everything .....finding conclusions that lead to nowhere only koz am staying like... some smashed potato,,,,,

being a passive stranger to myself

i just need a big kick....an electric shock perhaps and wake me up....

have my portfolio to complete... and thought so much of it that now i have no guts to start

it..perhaps ive been thinking too much.... n still being afraid of not being a `la hauteur` for my 3rd year.... ...

n now thinking too much of myself............am fed up with myself

feel myself like an alien walking down the street and feel everyone with their eyes popping wild at me

at me...like me being weird

or perhaps its just an impression
am fed up with myself
koz too much of conversation is being inside,within myself instead of talking to the right person.

and fed up.ya thing s need to be change..hell with everybody ..have to live my live...have only one life so...dnt need to be afraid to make things...that will only unable me doing thing i really want and loosing time unnecessary

little things

to the green sky which was not green enough to save me...
to the love that was not enough strong to save me...
to the laughter that was not enough long to make me happy

am trying to find words,but nothing...... only cruel words that land like war ships ...........
am trying to make a choice
and am struggling to understand or failed to understand
that (il suffit de peu pour etre heureux)

the monsters my friends

Thursday, May 24, 2007

Dear insects,dear stones,

Am fed up

Not really the word to describe my feelings right now..

It`s really a messy day today

The monster kept following me.

………………………….

And I feel like a stone who sunk in my heart for some other reasons..and feel like canceling my blog too but dnt have the courage..like I hesitate to start one and now hesitating to cancel it

I feel like an insect taken up by the wind

Dear insects,

Am voiceless

Or don’t find the proper words to fill in that blank surface of my life.

If I could only erase some feelings from me then perhaps Stone, I will probably be among u.

I thought that I won’t care that much either if I do care. But I realize that I care much more than I thought.

and i regret for not being able to talk to u...and regret to hang off the 4ne koz i was not able to talk...n wish to call u back.but wont do
.
good bye 7x1,7x2,7x3,7x4,7x5,7x6,7x7.

Saturday, April 28, 2007

the monsters my friends

and the monsters kept following me
I tried to close my eyes
but the memories remain
go away
ugly dust
ugly disease
go away monsters
I don't care anymore
u can no more hurt me
dears monsters.. I have no choice
but to make u my friends
there is a hope lost
what so funny....
glad not to feel anger

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

the red sky

I tried to paint the the dull, stony fields into a more vivid colour
vainly interrupting the picture of my mind...
with the red sky above me
I failed to reach the sky
with an overdose
of sugar pills
I only died for a 6th time
I lied down with my dull reflection
arguing with me..
for a last cry...
cruel days made me cruel
my mind threatening my spirit that reside in me..
with a hard slap
I tried to paint the the dull, stony fields into a more vivid colour
and I failed to reach the sky

Sunday, April 15, 2007

am stuck in the corner

my blank page reveals me some mysteries s i have never known

in the corner of my eyes,

I distinguished some liars sitting next to my eyebrow,

my ugly face need some peels.

some sugar to revive from nature...

I have said the much I could not said to myself.

With an angry laughter that fail to disappear .

in my amnesic memories...,,

I cry upon the disease that follows my whole existence..

The sour taste from my saucepan..

gave me a bad grimes..

the mess that made my life ..

a stories that cant yet be written

the anger that tortures me when it thought that that i have not taken care or it..

arouse my mind and desperate me from breathing...and hope disappearance catch me up

its one am..

and my mind got the disease that contaminate me with laziness and am not invited to work

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like the green leaf falling

hell with u green day
hell with u green sky
just want to die in hell
with my green hair

i remember my last green dream
i had an innocent smile that day
with that relieving feeling that that smile would last long
and when the door slammed so hard in my face

the destruction trying to reconstruct me back
i promised myself not to die with that smile on my face.

and still trying to recognize my dull reflection
it tortures me so much

under the green sky with the red rain


i preferred to stay away from u.
from the cruel thoughts that kept howling like a violent wind in my mind
the mist torturing my sight kept hindering my view

to the days that were never green enough to let me die ..
i let u down....far from the sky, close to the ground.away from hell...
ive die with no smile...at least not an innocent one